Office of Parish Outreach Ministries/Health Care Ministry

Ministry Notes: Ministry to the Bereaved

If one member suffers in the body of Christ which is the Church, all the members suffer with that member. 1 Corinthians 12:26

 Introduction  

The parish is an extraordinarily appropriate place for the bereaved to come to terms with their grief in light of the Good News.  The Order of Christian Funerals, promulgated in 1989, emphasizes that the community is responsible for consoling and caring for one another, especially during critical times.  Parish leadership is called upon to make known to the believing community: 1) the meaning of death; 2) the purpose and significance of the rituals for Christian burial; 3) the need for ongoing care for those who are grieving; and 4) the importance of formation and continuing support for grief ministry.  The Order of Christian Funerals challenges members of the community to console mourners with words of faith and support, with acts of kindness such as assistance with some routine tasks of daily life, with participation in all aspects of the vigil,  funeral and committal and with support through the period of bereavement.  At times such as these, people want and need persons to share their lives, especially their sorrow.  Caregiving persons are a sign of the love of God for God's people and a sign of God's presence with them, especially during their experience of sorrow.

Understanding Grief 

Grief is the internal response to loss, the thoughts and feelings that are experienced within oneself.  It is usually characterized by deep sorrow.  Grief is natural, normal, necessary and healing.  Mourning is the shared social response to loss.  It is grief gone public. Mourning takes the internal experience of grief and expresses it outside oneself.   

The grieving process may be described in a variety of ways.  It is probably best understood as moving from physical reality to that of remembrance.  Placing our loss into the context of faith is essential for the Christian. Religious faith is not something added on or incidental to the grieving process.  It is essential and a rich resource. One of the most salient spiritual concerns facing those who grieve is the need to trust and believe in life again.  We need to establish a new spiritual relationship with our loved one who has died.  Our trust in God teaches and informs us that life is not taken away, it is changed.   

Grieving is, first of all, a process. It takes time\; it cannot be rushed. While each person's experience is unique, there are, nevertheless, some similarities in the process. One of those similarities is that there seem to be certain phases that all go through as they grieve.  Immediately following the death of a loved one, a person often feels numb, confused, and disorganized.  This part of grieving doesn't usually last very long, but it helps one get through the unthinkable - the loss of a loved one.  The second phase of grieving is where most of the grief work is done.  Many normal but powerful grief reactions occur as a person experiences and releases the pain of loss.  These may include physical symptoms, numerous feelings and emotions, impacted thoughts and a variety of behaviors.  This phase can last for months. The final phase, which perhaps goes on forever, is reconciliation -  becoming reconciled to life without the physical presence of the person who died.  We do not get over a loved one's death\; rather, we integrate his/her memory into our lives and are able to become re-involved in the activities of living.   

It is important to remember that although everyone grieves, people differ in how they go through the mourning process and how long it takes.  Grieving is not a loss of faith\; it is an expression of both our love for another and our God-given feelings of sadness.  Jesus wept at the death of Lazarus\; the disciples grieved following the death of Jesus. 

The Journey Through Grief 

People do not get over  grief. The death of someone loved changes one's  life's forever.  Alan Wolfelt, a noted death educator, uses the term "reconciliation" to describe  integrating  the new reality of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the person who died.  With reconciliation comes a renewed sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death and a capacity to again become involved in the activities of living. 

There are six reconciliation needs or tasks that must be encountered in the process of healing: 

1. Acknowledging the reality of the death.  Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, whether the person was young or old, the reality that the loved person will never physically come back into one's life must be confronted.  

2. Embracing the pain of loss. In order to come to some healing or eventual reconciliation with the loss, it is necessary to face that intense pain rather than repress or deny it.   Americans are a grief-denying culture where the bereaved are often congratulated for "doing well" and expected to grieve invisibly.  In fact "doing well" with grief means becoming well acquainted with pain. 

3. Remembering the person who died.  "Continuing bonds" with the person who has died is the third need of mourning.  Precious memories, dreams of the person, photos, souvenirs, familiar smells, or favorite music that link one to the person who died give testimony to a different form of a continued relationship. 

4. Developing a new self-identity.  Part of our identity comes from the relationships we have with others.  When someone close dies, the way we perceive ourselves changes.   There may be heightened dependence on others or feelings of helplessness, frustration, inadequacy and fear.  As one discovers new aspects of  personality, one may be empowered to go on living, even while continuing to feel a sense of loss. 

5. Searching for meaning.  When a loved one dies, a person might quite naturally question the meaning and purpose of life by asking, "How?"  "Why now?" "How could God let this happen?".   The death reminds one of a lack of control and causes a feeling of powerlessness.  The doubts, the spiritual conflicts and questions are all normal parts of the journey toward renewed living. 

6. Receiving ongoing support from others.  The quality and quantity of understanding support that one receives influences the capacity to heal.  People in the support network must appreciate the impact of the death and understand that mourning takes a long time.  

In reconciliation, the sharp, ever-present pain of grief will eventually give rise to a renewed sense of meaning and purpose.  The deep feelings of loss will soften and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent.  Hope for continued life will emerge as the person is able to make commitments to the future. Eventually, one realizes that the person who died will never be forgotten, yet  life can move forward. 

*Adapted from "The Journey Through Grief: The Mourner's Six Reconciliation Needs" presented by Alan Wolfelt, PhD at the  "Bereavement Seminar", February 24, 2000, Boston MA.  Sponsored by J.S. Waterman & Sons and Eastman-Waring Funeral Homes and the Schools of the Boston Theological Institute.

Ministers or Consolation 

Bereavement ministry is a healing ministry and every Catholic, by virtue of Baptism, is called to participate.  We are called to "console one another" (Thess. 3:18).  Parish leaders, however, are encouraged to develop and sustain a formal program.  There are many ministries within the Ministry of Consolation.  The call may be to: assist in the preparation of liturgies, assist with the music ministry, serve as a bereavement visitor, facilitate a parish support group for the bereaved, serve on a bereavement committee, etc.  Preparation is essential.  There is a need for basic understanding about pastoral psychology and grief.  Ongoing formation, prayer and spiritual direction are significant supports for bereavement ministers.  An organized, trained and supported group of volunteers will be a powerful source of comfort and support to bereaved parishioners who need care. 

WHAT NOT TO SAY . WHEN COMFORTING THE BEREAVED*

True support does not mean that we are there to "cheer the person up"\\; rather, we are there to be present to the bereaved.  Some people find comfort in telling and retelling their stories\\; others by sitting in silence.  Effective support is not dependent on how much is said\\; rather on gentle presence and effective listening. 

PLEASE DO NOT SAY    

I know just how you feel.                 

Time heals all wounds.

Aren't you happy he's in heaven?

You're lucky your baby's in heaven with God.

BECAUSE   

No one can truly know what another feels.      

Time alone does not heal the pain. 

This fails to honor the deep suffering of the bereaved. Although they may be comforted  by recalling our Christian hope in the Resurrection, the pain of missing loved ones is the present reality.                     

PLEASE DO NOT SAY    

Be thankful he was not aware at the end.    

S/he had a good life.

BECAUSE   

We are discussing the death from our perspective, not from that of the bereaved. This discounts the grieving person's pain. 

PLEASE DO NOT SAY    

Things will be back to normal in a month or two.

Now you need to get on with your life.

BECAUSE   

This puts limits on a person's grief.      

Each person needs to grieve in his or her own time and way.        

 PLEASE DO NOT SAY    

He was only a baby - you really didn't get that attached to him.  

Your mother was pretty old\\; did you think she'd live forever?

She was only your friend.

BECAUSE   

We cannot judge the depth of the relationship one person has for another.

Each person is irreplaceable.

 PLEASE DO NOT SAY    

You can't stay sad forever. 

He wouldn't want you to be sad.

BECAUSE   

You deny the fact that being sad and expressing strong emotions is a very necessary part of healing. 

PLEASE DO NOT SAY    

It was God's will your baby died.      

Your loved one is in heaven.

BECAUSE   

God never wills the death of a child - God's will is for human happiness and flourishing. Saying this assumes you know God's will.

Although at some time the bereaved may be comforted by recalling our Christian hope in the Resurrection, they want their loved one with them now.

 PLEASE DO NOT SAY

You shouldn't be angry at God.      

If you had faith, you wouldn't feel this way.

BECAUSE   

It is an act of love and trust to share all our feelings with God - whether we consider them positive or negative.  We have many scriptural models for such honest feelings -  most notably the Psalms and the Book of Job.  Jesus Himself wept at the tomb of Lazarus and raised him from the dead.  He did not passively accept that death as God's will.

To tell the bereaved they shouldn't question  God's will discourages them from embracing the full range of their emotions.  This short circuits the authentic comfort and deepened intimacy with God that can result from entering one's pain and inviting the Lord into that experience.