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Office of Parish Outreach Ministries/Health Care Ministry |
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Ministering to Families Who Have Lost a Child During PregnancyIntroduction: Parents who have experienced the death of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, ectopic pregnancy, or as newborns have special needs that are often not recognized or acknowledged. Parents frequently live with "silent sorrow" because society does not know how to respond to those who grieve the loss of their child. Since over 25% of all pregnancies end in spontaneous loss, the pastoral minister will surely encounter people who have experienced perinatal loss. Supporting families in their grief is a unique and challenging opportunity. It requires great sensitivity to the needs of bereaved parents and the ability to risk entering into the pain of families who have experienced death instead of birth. The pastoral minister must accept the powerlessness and uncomfortableness of being present in a situation where it may seem that there are only questions and no answers. The situation calls the pastoral caregiver to be a person of faith and hope to those who may feel only the absence of God. It invites the caregiver to enter into what may become a powerful experience of God's healing love. Christian hope is founded on the knowledge that the care of God for all human life is present from the moment of conception through the moment of natural death. In his ministry, death and resurrection, Jesus reveals that divine love is powerfully revealed and experienced in the midst of the most profound suffering. DEFINITIONS Perinatal loss refers to any loss of an infant during pregnancy or during the first 28 days of life. Miscarriage - Death of an infant during the first 20 weeks of gestation. This usually occurs between the 7th and 12th week of pregnancy. Stillbirth - Death of an infant in utero after the 20th week of gestation and delivery of a dead infant. Legally, a death certificate and burial of the baby is required. Ectopic Pregnancy - Implantation of the fertilized egg outside the uterus, usually in the fallopian tube. This may also be referred to as a "tubal pregnancy". Medication or surgery is necessary to remove the fertilized egg and prevent rupture of the fallopian tube. Neonatal Death - Death of an infant during the first 28 days of life, usually in the hospital. SEARCH FOR MEANING The most common question parents ask is "Why did this happen?". On one level, parents are asking a question that must be discussed with medical personnel. On a deeper level, parents may be asking "What did I do wrong? Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve this?". Some may ask "Where is God?" or even "Is there a God?". These questions can challenge one's faith and deserve time and respect. Parents usually do not expect to have their questions answered, rather they need to talk about their questions. They need to know they are not to blame. They need someone to listen to them and allow them to explore their feelings - even their anger at God. They need gentle guidance and acceptance as they try to find God's presence in this very difficult situation. With understanding, support and time they can come to a fuller understanding and to a deeper relationship with God. FAMILY CONSIDERATIONS Fathers are grieving and might need special care because most of the attention is generally given to the mother. Fathers are usually asked "How's your wife doing?", not "How are you doing?". Fathers may have difficulty showing their emotions and may feel they have to be "the strong one". Siblings need to be considered in the grieving process. Grandparents grieve for their lost grandchild and especially for their own child who is suffering. Grandparents may also be grieving for infant losses they experienced in the past. RELIGIOUS RITUALS God reaches out to the human person through rituals. Rituals also connect us to the community of faith. They should be used generously at the time of loss. For a full discussion of ritual, consult Pastoral Notes on the Celebration of Liturgical Rites for Deceased Infants and Stillborn or Miscarried Infants published by the Office for Worship. Baptism/Blessing: Baptism, when appropriate, or a ritual of naming and blessing if the baby is stillborn, is usually very important to the parents. A living child in danger of death is to be baptized without delay with the consent of the parents. However, if the baby has already died, Baptism is not appropriate. Parents often request Baptism because it is the only ritual they know. There are other rituals which express the comfort of faith and address the needs of the parents. The "Blessing of Parents Following Miscarriage" in the Book of Blessings can be helpful immediately following this loss or later in the grieving process. Parents who have experienced the loss of their child need:
An appropriate ritual could include:
Funeral and Burial Rites: Rituals
give structure and order to people at a time when everything seems out of
control. It is important not to "protect" the parents by making
the service as short as possible. There is a great healing power in the rituals
and prayers of the funeral liturgy. Families should be involved in the planning
of the funeral and burial rite. Discuss all the options with the parents
and help them to decide what would be appropriate for their family. Try to
respect the wishes of the family as much as possible. Encourage the parents
to invite their family and friends to be present for the burial of the baby.
The law requires that babies over 20 weeks of gestation be buried. However,
it is permissible for parents to bury a miscarried baby of any age. Many
cemeteries have a special section reserved for infant burials. FOLLOW-UP Grieving takes a long time and follow-up support is important. Phone calls, notes, and visits might be appropriate. Many parents are helped by support groups. A number of parishes or clusters of parishes are forming perinatal support groups and/or planning annual Memorial Celebrations for Bereaved Parents. Remember to include the names of babies who have died in parish prayers and in the All Saints Remembrance. Also remember to pray for bereaved parents on Mother's Day and Father's Day. It is important that these babies and their parents be remembered by the entire community of faith. A list of community resources and support groups is available from the Family Life Apostolate. It can also provide a listing of pastoral care resources available for purchase or loan through the office. PASTORAL RESPONSES The following are suggestions for pastoral caregivers: DO'S 1. APPRECIATE THE LOSS Contemporary culture tends to minimize the loss of an unborn child. Remember that age of gestation does not determine the degree of grief. Attachment is very strong and occurs very early. Often, the mother and father have both dreamed about this child long before pregnancy began. They now must face the loss of their child as well as the loss of their hopes and dreams for the future. Many factors influence the depth of the grief. It is important to consider the age of the parents, the numbers of previous losses, a history of infertility, or any other significant factors. Learn what the loss means to these parents. 2. BE PRESENT TO THE PARENTS AND LISTEN Reach out to bereaved parents and offer them the gift of presence. Enter their journey early and stay with them a they travel through their grief. Don't assume anything. Each situation is different. Responsive listening is essential. Let the parents tell you what they are feeling and what their needs are, but give them time and allow for periods of silence. 3. TALK ABOUT THE BABY BY NAME Parents need others to acknowledge the existence and individuality of their child. They need others to know this child was known, loved and will never be forgotten. 4. VALIDATE THE GRIEF Society often treats pregnancy losses as non-events and minimizes the grief of parents. This increases the pain and isolation of bereaved parents. Parents might need permission and encouragement to experience all that is part of their journey - pain, loneliness, confusion, helplessness, anger, tears, and rage. Confirm for them that they have, indeed, lost a child and have a right to mourn. DON'TS 1. DON'T let your own sense of helplessness and uncomfortableness keep you from reaching out to bereaved parents. 2. DON'T minimize the loss or the grief involved. 3. DON'T change the subject when parents mention their child has died. 4. DON'T use cliches. "Pat answers" are often used in an attempt to make parents feel better. In reality, cliches may ignore the parents' feelings and block communication. Phrases to avoid are:
PASTORAL ROLE The pastoral role is to convey empathetic understanding, a sharing of sorrow, compassionate care and an assurance of the ongoing love and mercy of God in the midst of tragedy. Through pastoral presence the bereaved family will experience the love of Jesus and the care of the church community. Prepared by Martha Sullivan, St. Margaret's Center at St. Elizabeth's Medical Center Fran Hauck, Family Life Apostolate Kelly Dunn, Office of Parish Outreach Ministries/Health Care Ministry
BLESSING OF A STILLBORN INFANT INTRODUCTORY RITES In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. May the God of mercy and of all consolation be with you all. And also with you. Dear friends, in the face of death all human wisdom fails. Yet the Lord teaches us, by the three days he spent in the tomb, that death has no hold over us. Christ has conquered death\\; his dying and rising have redeemed us. Even in our sorrow for the loss of this little child, we believe that, one short sleep past, he/she shall wake eternally. RECEPTION AND NAMING OF THE CHILD Celebrant: (Parent's Names), what name do you give your child? Parents: (Name) Celebrant: (Child's Name), in the name of the Christian community, I now bless you with the sign of the Cross, and invite your parents (and family) to do the same. (The celebrant signs the child on the forehead, in silence, and invites the parents and others to do the same.) BLESSING OF PARENTS For those who trust in God, in the pain of sorrow there is consolation, in the face of despair there is hope, in the midst of death there is life. (Parent's Names), as we mourn the death of your child we place ourselves in the hands of God and ask for strength, for healing, and for love. SCRIPTURE READING Psalm 25 or other appropriate Scripture reading. INTERCESSIONS Let us pray to God who throughout the ages has heard the cries of parents, we pray to the Lord .... For (Parent's Names), who know the pain of grief, that they may be comforted, we pray to the Lord .... For this family, that it may find new hope in the midst of suffering, we pray to the Lord .... For all who have suffered the loss of a child, that Christ may be their support, we pray to the Lord .... Let us pray to the God of consolation and hope, as Christ has taught us. Our Father .... PRAYER OF BLESSING Loving God, grant mercy to all the members of this family and comfort them with the hope that one day we will all live with you, with your Son, Jesus Christ, and with the Holy Spirit, forever and ever. Amen. BLESSING AND COMMENDATION OF CHILD Trusting in Jesus, the loving Savior, who gathered children into his arms and blessed the little ones, we now commend this infant (Name) to that same embrace of love, in the hope that he/she will rejoice and be happy in the presence of Christ. Lord Jesus, lovingly receive this little child\\; bless him/her and take him/her to your Father. We ask this in hope, and we pray:
PRAYER OF COMMENDATION Tender Shepherd of the flock, (Child's Name) now lies cradled in your love. Soothe the hearts of his/her parents and bring peace to their lives. Enlighten their faith and give hope to their hearts. Loving God, grant mercy to your entire family in this time of suffering. Comfort us with the hope that this child (Name) now lives with you and one day we will all live with you, with your Son, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit, forever and ever. Amen. BLESSING May the God of all consolation bring you comfort and rest. May God give hope to your hearts, and peace to your lives. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. Liturgical sources: The Rite of Baptism, The Book of Blessings, The Order of Christian Funerals
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